Weekend Update

Well, hi. It's been a minute. It's been WAY more than a minute and a lot has happened. My last blog post was from January 3rd and I talked about how with all the negativity that happened in 2020, it's important to look toward the positive things. I'll be honest, I feel like an entirely new person since I wrote that post. And it's not just because I gained weight and dyed my hair blonde. (I dyed it back to brown, don't worry)

The wear and tear that has happened to me emotionally and mentally since January 3rd is something I have never experienced before in my life. I have always been overwhelmed, hard on myself, and emotional but these past few months have been more intense. 

We'll start with January...

TV and Film take an industry break in December. The production decides what day in January you come back to film. We were supposed to come back in the middle of January but, since COVID-19 cases were escalating at the time, the studios kept pushing production back. We ended up starting to shoot again at the end of January.

Working on Dave was awesome and exhausting. Anyone in the TV industry will tell you that they've heard that working on this show is the worst. I think that if I didn't like the show, my experience would be very different. I'm a fan of Dave and I'm a fan of Lil' Dicky so I was always excited to be there. There was a point at at the beginning of February where I was feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. I was doing more administrative work than the other six members of my team on top of my assigned set monitor duties. There were times where my superiors didn't tell us what needed to get done so I took on that responsibility and came up with a list of tasks to complete. I was toying with the idea of asking for a title change or for the responsibilities to be more spread out. The other set monitors would often look to me for direction and encouraged me to ask for a title change. 

Then, one morning we were unorganized for check-in. I was on the schedule to come in a few hours later than the early people and when I got there, nothing was set up for us. Instead of getting angry with my colleagues, I ran around set to check-in the people already here, asked the locations team where to set up our table, and grabbed everything needed from our truck. My colleague apologized that he had nothing set up and explained that he tried to put the table down in various locations but was told by security he couldn't be there. I said it's alright now. Moments later I was being told my check-in set up wasn't good enough and asked to write down and brainstorm everything we need to do to improve it. A little while after, I was told that I'm untrustworthy and "I don't know what you even do when you're in the office". This was the first time I had cried at work. I stayed in our truck and organized it for the rest of the day. 

The other set monitors came and checked on me
throughout the shoot and asked if there was anything to do to help. I told all of them that it was discussed that I wouldn't be to "go-to" person anymore. That tasks will be divided between all of us more evenly. The team agreed that I was doing way more work than I should've been. They had my back and were all upset to hear the way I was treated. 

So then I decided to take a step back. I was doing what my responsibilities entailed, showed up on time, and made sure everyone was comfortable. It was going fine. We got through some tough shooting days without any hiccups and things were moving. Stressful, but moving.

There was a week in February where we were only shooting Thursday and Friday. Meaning, I was not working Monday-Wednesday and I was happy to be relaxing for a little bit. I went to bed Tuesday with an early-ish alarm set because my roommate and I were going to get an emissions test. My body woke me up before my alarm that Wednesday morning and I had received a voicemail from my Mom about 10 minutes prior. She said to call her before going to work, obviously she forgot about my schedule that week.

As most of my readers know, my Papa Larry died the morning of February 17th, 2021.

I have been very fortunate in my life to not have experienced much trauma and tragedy. As a 23-year-old who has a good relationship with my grandparents, this sucked and it still sucks.

I don't want to dwell on details because I am not in the mood to hysterically start crying tonight. All I'll say is it stings everyday and I had experienced my first real panic attack at his funeral. 

I spent ten days at home in Chicago and then went back to Los Angeles, and back to work. Luckily for me, unlucky for the production, we were taking a couple extra days of prep because someone had been in close contact with a friend who tested positive for Covid. This meant I had a full week to sit and sulk until going back to work again.

Finishing the season was a dream. Those last few weeks were amazing and we were shooting the coolest scenes. Most of the time, I was only half there. I was going around, doing my job, chatting with everyone but a lot of the time I was in my head. Or in the bathroom crying. 

It was hard to leave my family and have to grieve alone. My family is always there for each other but at the same time none of us have been there for each other. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us over the past 6 months. Please keep doing it.

Going to Montana for a month seemed like a great idea. It was time to be in the mountains, alone, and making more connections in the industry. I had never been to Montana so I was already intrigued. The hard thing was that I didn't know what I was doing. We were only filming for two days but I was there for four and a half weeks, my position was a bit unclear. Once I asked about my responsibilities, and the rest of the teams, things were easier. But still, I was alone. I would sit in my hotel room and wish my friends and family could experience the excitement of my first rodeo, or trip to Glacier National Park. I hung out with my supervisor, shout out to Michelle, but she understood how lonely I was. It was a wonderful experience, but greatly messed with my mental health.

I decided to take the rest of June and July to make myself better. I wanted to set goals, and figure out what I needed to do to bring some light into my life. The exhaustion and sadness had taken over, and Papa wouldn't want to see me like this. 

My family came to visit Los Angeles at the end of July, and Nana came with! There were tears in my eyes when I scooped her up from the airport. I needed to see my family. My peers, its okay to be an independent, adult woman and need your family. We had a lovely time, but of course, it was too short. The good thing is that my family's group chat is always popping. I could tell you exactly what each member of the family is doing at any given moment so it's almost like we're always physically together. Almost.

I've been working through a lot of stuff with my therapist. I don't know about you guys, but I find it exhausting being me sometimes and I want to take the load off. There are just things that I need to work on that have been mentally and emotionally weighing me down for years and I don't want to carry that weight anymore. My shoulders hurt and my knees are starting to give out on me. I'm turning into my mother. Anyway, one of those things is what I want to be when I grow up. If you asked 2nd grade Lindsey, she would say an archaeologist. If you asked 13 year-old Lindsey, she would say editor of Rolling Stone. If you asked senior year of high school Lindsey, she would say an author. If you asked Lindsey last year, she would say a TV writer.

Well, ask me now. Go ahead, ask me. I'll know if you don't vocally scream at your computer. I know a lot of things. I'll wait...

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!

Didn't expect that answer, right? Do you hear me yelling back at you? Was it scary and unexpected? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm trying to not say sorry for being myself and doing things I want to do. You should try it too. But then again, my previous advice to yell at me through your computer ended with me yelling back at you so I understand if that's not your thing.

The gist of it all is I don't know exactly what I want to do. But, I am becoming more certain of who I want to be and it's no one I've ever been before. I feel like I talk a big game and am constantly telling myself I want to change and do new things but never follow through. This time feels different. Like I said before, I am exhausted. I'm tired of acting like what I want isn't what I want. I'm tired of being scared or not confident in my social and professional decisions. I'm tired of feeling eh in my body and my outfit choices. All of this accumulating for 23 years is enough already. Close the show and revamp the dialogue. Give the star a new costume and a likable personality trait.

So, when I say it's none of your business, I mean it in the most kind way possible. If you see or hear that I am working a retail job part-time (which is probably where things are heading), it's none of your business why or how I got there. "BUT LINDSEY, WHAT ABOUT TV??!?! YOU WORKED ON TWO MAJOR TV SHOWS?!?! DON'T YOU WANT TO WRITE?!?!" Alright people, here's the truth of it all that no one will tell you, so I will:

It's okay to try new things. And it's okay if what you thought you liked and wanted, isn't what you like and want.

Mind blowing, I know. We don't hear this enough. I can't stand when people complain to me about hating their jobs, or feeling stuck. I mean, yes complain we all need it. But then do something about it. "BUT LINDSEY, I JUST CAN'T". Okay, but you can. You might not be able to that very second but you can. So do it. Life is too short to be stuck doing something you're not happy with for a substantial amount of time because you think you can't do better. Whether it's quitting a job, breaking up with your boyfriend, dropping a toxic friend, selling your possessions so you can travel the country in a van, changing your hair color, or rearranging your furniture, just do it. Be selfish. My Sweet Sister Syd has encouraged me to be selfish lately and it's thrilling.

Let me wrap this baby up because I need to put on a pair of pants and some socks. I'm working toward some new goals and I'm not concerned with how long it'll take to reach them. If I rush the journey, then I won't be able to retain the information and enjoy the ride. I'm a student by nature. I love to learn new things and skills. I love meeting people and picking their brains. I love trial and error. I love finding new things that put a spring in my step. And if I rush it, I'll miss out. 

SoO, thank you for reading my longest post to date (maybe). I hope to be writing more things on different platforms soon that I (and my mother) will share. But until then, relax and smell the roses. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Watch The White Lotus on HBOMax. Listen to some good music. And don't forget to go outside every once and a while. 

Love, Lindsey

2021(?)

It has been 4 months since I have moved to Los Angeles, got all my stuff stolen, and got settled into my apartment. I had no clothes, no job, and no idea what was going to happen. Now, I have been able to rebuild my wardrobe, I have been working since the beginning of October, and I still don't know what's going on.

I don't like making resolutions because I usually get really mad at myself when I don't keep them but this year I decided to grow up. My resolution for 2021 is to be able to touch my toes before 2022. I have never been able to touch my toes because my stomach is always in the way and I haven't stretched in 15 years. SOo I figured this would be a good goal for the new year that has nothing to do with stressful things like work or my personal life. 

It's crazy that we're already in 2021. We lost so much of 2020 that it seems like we should just restart the clock and get a redo. Time is an illusion after all. Or we can push through and move forward. Make this year and the ones that follow bigger and brighter. I choose that option.

It's easy to dwell in the past and think of the terrible things that have happened. There was so much loss in 2020 that finding things we've gained is like searching for a needle in a haystack. But, I decided to bring some magnets into the haystack so I can pull out the needles. Think smarter, not harder. Also, this metaphor is horrible and confusing. Essentially, I have chosen to think of the good things that I've gained throughout the year, while still remembering the loses.

Pulling out positivity has helped me get through many things in the past few years. A global pandemic that turned our world upside, has taken the lives of so many people, and doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon is something that we all need to power through in our way.

What good things have happened to me this year?

Let's start in January. 

I was able to bring some of my best friends to one of my favorite places, the iO Theater. I spent my winter break seeing as many shows as I could and was able to share the laughter with the people I love. That was an excellent way to start the year. Then, my dad and I road tripped to California. There are few things that I love more than sitting in silence for nine hours while my dad and I drive through the desert with no signs of civilization besides the road we're on. I am entirely serious. I loved it. :)

My last semester of college started in the City of Angels. Soaking up the sun and knocking shoulders with stardom. I loved my classes, loved my internship, and loved exploring a new city that was dripping in entertainment history. I made a lot of new friends and some great memories.

The pandemic caused me to cut my semester in the sun early and move back home. My classes continued on Zoom and my classmates and I would have theme days to keep things fun. I got to keep interning virtually which I LOVED. Additionally, I was able to do two of my favorite things; sit on my ass and watch TV. WHILE consuming carbs. I know for a fact that that's what my heaven looks like.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Well, Sister Syd came back to Chicago from the rugged streets of Texas and blessed out home for THREE MONTHS. If you know my family at all, you know we're better when we're together. We were all spoiled for three months that we got to be all together again for a long period of time. Something that we don't know if or when it will happen again.

I also spent a lot of time with my cousins, Aunt, and grandparents. My Nana and Papa have a pool so we were stylin' all summer. I would make grilled cheeses for my Nana and I. Also everyday at 2:45pm, Papa would bring everybody in the pool apples and peanut butter. I was a freaking princess. Nana decided she wanted to go through their entire house which is a DREAM for me. My Nana is one classy SOB and I knew there were some gems of history hidden in the depths of one of the walk-in closets. I've written about this before but I truly think about my time with Nana all the time. Everyday I try and wear a item that she gifted me so I have a little piece of family with me always. The clock that belonged to my great grandmother sits on my desk and I listen to the ticking to fall asleep. I felt like I was watching my Nana go through her history and her memories. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that our time spent together this summer made us closer than ever.

Three of my BFFs were home for the summer so that was also a win. Shoutout Hannah, Sam, and Rachel. Hannah left after some time and Sam was only there for a bit but Sweet Baby Ray was with me the whole time. It's crazy how much you realize you miss your friends when you spend more time with them. Not a day goes by when I'm not thinking about these three and I am counting the days until I can see them again.

Another thing I did was exercise for three months straight. Ew. I guess that's cool. My mom was really surprised when I did the highest box jump but hey, I'm awesome. Also, it was another opportunity to spend a whole hour with my sister. :)

Then I moved BACK to the Wild Wild West in search of gold. I moved in with my camp friend Rachel (different from the previously mentioned Rachel) and we began to take on the world. Unfortunately, the world quickly started to close up and we spend a lot of time watching Whose Line Is It Anyway? on the couch all day. But, still fun! We live by the ocean and palm trees and hills and fun!

At the end of September I interviewed for a job on the COVID safety team on one of my favorite TV shows, and got the job! I started working in the office at the beginning of October and the rest is history. Well, not history because I still work there but the phrase sounded good. I can't say much about it since we're still filming but I am enjoying myself. I'm meeting exciting people and making great friends.

My family came to LA for Thanksgiving and it was not long enough. Since we were spoiled for three months, any amount of time seems too short. But, I am grateful that they came and loved having them.

Now, I'm just chilling. I've been on break for a bit and I've been using the time to nurse my body and drive around to see COVID friendly attractions. I think I'm being careful but you really never know. I'm also trying to spend more time writing and reading, My mind needs to exercise its creative muscle a bit more. 

I got to see my BFF Molly on New Years. We met halfway and took a hike where I was heavy breathing the whole time and only fell on my butt once. Loved it.

Anyway, the point of talking about the positive things that happened in my life this year was to get you thinking about the good things that happened to you. It's crazy how selfless I'm being. We can't forgot how hard this year has been but we can bring the happy things with us into 2021 and continue to create good memories.

Of course there were negative things that have happened to me this year, but I don't want to dwell. I want to move forward and think into the future. A future of highs and lows that I can conquer. A future of wins and loses that I can learn from. A future of change and difference that I can be a part of. But most importantly, a future with the people I love surrounding me.

In the words of my dear cousin Ryan's blogpost (link below), "We still continue to press on and try to live our lives to the best of our ability". Keep walking with your head up and because good things are coming.

I know we're all tired but this pandemic isn't going anywhere just because there's a vaccine. Take it from me, my entire job revolves around keeping over 200 people safe from COVID while working in tight proximity in small spaces. If one person falls, we all fall. We need to do our part to keep safe and mitigate the spread. If you have to leave the house, wash your hands, stay six feet a part, and wear a mask. Let's get the world back to normal.

Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk. 

I'm gonna go watch the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Part 4. If you can, you should watch Soul on Disney+, The First Weekend In May on Hulu, and Supernatural on Netflix. I just finished Supernatural and it took me 6 months so if you have commitment issues maybe skip it.

Thanks for reading, stay golden. :)

Ryan's Blog!!!

Pressing On - Relient K