Weekend Update

Well, hi. It's been a minute. It's been WAY more than a minute and a lot has happened. My last blog post was from January 3rd and I talked about how with all the negativity that happened in 2020, it's important to look toward the positive things. I'll be honest, I feel like an entirely new person since I wrote that post. And it's not just because I gained weight and dyed my hair blonde. (I dyed it back to brown, don't worry)

The wear and tear that has happened to me emotionally and mentally since January 3rd is something I have never experienced before in my life. I have always been overwhelmed, hard on myself, and emotional but these past few months have been more intense. 

We'll start with January...

TV and Film take an industry break in December. The production decides what day in January you come back to film. We were supposed to come back in the middle of January but, since COVID-19 cases were escalating at the time, the studios kept pushing production back. We ended up starting to shoot again at the end of January.

Working on Dave was awesome and exhausting. Anyone in the TV industry will tell you that they've heard that working on this show is the worst. I think that if I didn't like the show, my experience would be very different. I'm a fan of Dave and I'm a fan of Lil' Dicky so I was always excited to be there. There was a point at at the beginning of February where I was feeling overwhelmed and underappreciated. I was doing more administrative work than the other six members of my team on top of my assigned set monitor duties. There were times where my superiors didn't tell us what needed to get done so I took on that responsibility and came up with a list of tasks to complete. I was toying with the idea of asking for a title change or for the responsibilities to be more spread out. The other set monitors would often look to me for direction and encouraged me to ask for a title change. 

Then, one morning we were unorganized for check-in. I was on the schedule to come in a few hours later than the early people and when I got there, nothing was set up for us. Instead of getting angry with my colleagues, I ran around set to check-in the people already here, asked the locations team where to set up our table, and grabbed everything needed from our truck. My colleague apologized that he had nothing set up and explained that he tried to put the table down in various locations but was told by security he couldn't be there. I said it's alright now. Moments later I was being told my check-in set up wasn't good enough and asked to write down and brainstorm everything we need to do to improve it. A little while after, I was told that I'm untrustworthy and "I don't know what you even do when you're in the office". This was the first time I had cried at work. I stayed in our truck and organized it for the rest of the day. 

The other set monitors came and checked on me
throughout the shoot and asked if there was anything to do to help. I told all of them that it was discussed that I wouldn't be to "go-to" person anymore. That tasks will be divided between all of us more evenly. The team agreed that I was doing way more work than I should've been. They had my back and were all upset to hear the way I was treated. 

So then I decided to take a step back. I was doing what my responsibilities entailed, showed up on time, and made sure everyone was comfortable. It was going fine. We got through some tough shooting days without any hiccups and things were moving. Stressful, but moving.

There was a week in February where we were only shooting Thursday and Friday. Meaning, I was not working Monday-Wednesday and I was happy to be relaxing for a little bit. I went to bed Tuesday with an early-ish alarm set because my roommate and I were going to get an emissions test. My body woke me up before my alarm that Wednesday morning and I had received a voicemail from my Mom about 10 minutes prior. She said to call her before going to work, obviously she forgot about my schedule that week.

As most of my readers know, my Papa Larry died the morning of February 17th, 2021.

I have been very fortunate in my life to not have experienced much trauma and tragedy. As a 23-year-old who has a good relationship with my grandparents, this sucked and it still sucks.

I don't want to dwell on details because I am not in the mood to hysterically start crying tonight. All I'll say is it stings everyday and I had experienced my first real panic attack at his funeral. 

I spent ten days at home in Chicago and then went back to Los Angeles, and back to work. Luckily for me, unlucky for the production, we were taking a couple extra days of prep because someone had been in close contact with a friend who tested positive for Covid. This meant I had a full week to sit and sulk until going back to work again.

Finishing the season was a dream. Those last few weeks were amazing and we were shooting the coolest scenes. Most of the time, I was only half there. I was going around, doing my job, chatting with everyone but a lot of the time I was in my head. Or in the bathroom crying. 

It was hard to leave my family and have to grieve alone. My family is always there for each other but at the same time none of us have been there for each other. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to us over the past 6 months. Please keep doing it.

Going to Montana for a month seemed like a great idea. It was time to be in the mountains, alone, and making more connections in the industry. I had never been to Montana so I was already intrigued. The hard thing was that I didn't know what I was doing. We were only filming for two days but I was there for four and a half weeks, my position was a bit unclear. Once I asked about my responsibilities, and the rest of the teams, things were easier. But still, I was alone. I would sit in my hotel room and wish my friends and family could experience the excitement of my first rodeo, or trip to Glacier National Park. I hung out with my supervisor, shout out to Michelle, but she understood how lonely I was. It was a wonderful experience, but greatly messed with my mental health.

I decided to take the rest of June and July to make myself better. I wanted to set goals, and figure out what I needed to do to bring some light into my life. The exhaustion and sadness had taken over, and Papa wouldn't want to see me like this. 

My family came to visit Los Angeles at the end of July, and Nana came with! There were tears in my eyes when I scooped her up from the airport. I needed to see my family. My peers, its okay to be an independent, adult woman and need your family. We had a lovely time, but of course, it was too short. The good thing is that my family's group chat is always popping. I could tell you exactly what each member of the family is doing at any given moment so it's almost like we're always physically together. Almost.

I've been working through a lot of stuff with my therapist. I don't know about you guys, but I find it exhausting being me sometimes and I want to take the load off. There are just things that I need to work on that have been mentally and emotionally weighing me down for years and I don't want to carry that weight anymore. My shoulders hurt and my knees are starting to give out on me. I'm turning into my mother. Anyway, one of those things is what I want to be when I grow up. If you asked 2nd grade Lindsey, she would say an archaeologist. If you asked 13 year-old Lindsey, she would say editor of Rolling Stone. If you asked senior year of high school Lindsey, she would say an author. If you asked Lindsey last year, she would say a TV writer.

Well, ask me now. Go ahead, ask me. I'll know if you don't vocally scream at your computer. I know a lot of things. I'll wait...

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!

Didn't expect that answer, right? Do you hear me yelling back at you? Was it scary and unexpected? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm trying to not say sorry for being myself and doing things I want to do. You should try it too. But then again, my previous advice to yell at me through your computer ended with me yelling back at you so I understand if that's not your thing.

The gist of it all is I don't know exactly what I want to do. But, I am becoming more certain of who I want to be and it's no one I've ever been before. I feel like I talk a big game and am constantly telling myself I want to change and do new things but never follow through. This time feels different. Like I said before, I am exhausted. I'm tired of acting like what I want isn't what I want. I'm tired of being scared or not confident in my social and professional decisions. I'm tired of feeling eh in my body and my outfit choices. All of this accumulating for 23 years is enough already. Close the show and revamp the dialogue. Give the star a new costume and a likable personality trait.

So, when I say it's none of your business, I mean it in the most kind way possible. If you see or hear that I am working a retail job part-time (which is probably where things are heading), it's none of your business why or how I got there. "BUT LINDSEY, WHAT ABOUT TV??!?! YOU WORKED ON TWO MAJOR TV SHOWS?!?! DON'T YOU WANT TO WRITE?!?!" Alright people, here's the truth of it all that no one will tell you, so I will:

It's okay to try new things. And it's okay if what you thought you liked and wanted, isn't what you like and want.

Mind blowing, I know. We don't hear this enough. I can't stand when people complain to me about hating their jobs, or feeling stuck. I mean, yes complain we all need it. But then do something about it. "BUT LINDSEY, I JUST CAN'T". Okay, but you can. You might not be able to that very second but you can. So do it. Life is too short to be stuck doing something you're not happy with for a substantial amount of time because you think you can't do better. Whether it's quitting a job, breaking up with your boyfriend, dropping a toxic friend, selling your possessions so you can travel the country in a van, changing your hair color, or rearranging your furniture, just do it. Be selfish. My Sweet Sister Syd has encouraged me to be selfish lately and it's thrilling.

Let me wrap this baby up because I need to put on a pair of pants and some socks. I'm working toward some new goals and I'm not concerned with how long it'll take to reach them. If I rush the journey, then I won't be able to retain the information and enjoy the ride. I'm a student by nature. I love to learn new things and skills. I love meeting people and picking their brains. I love trial and error. I love finding new things that put a spring in my step. And if I rush it, I'll miss out. 

SoO, thank you for reading my longest post to date (maybe). I hope to be writing more things on different platforms soon that I (and my mother) will share. But until then, relax and smell the roses. Pour yourself a glass of wine. Watch The White Lotus on HBOMax. Listen to some good music. And don't forget to go outside every once and a while. 

Love, Lindsey