Happy (almost) Thanksgiving

Two years ago on Thanksgiving I had a mental breakdown. What started as a lovely day cooking food with my family, resulted in one of the hardest cries I've ever had.

I was getting dressed in my room and put on a new shirt that I was excited to wear. The rest of my family was coming over in about an hour so I was getting myself pretty. I went downstairs to continue setting the table and setting up the house for company. I started to sweat a bit. My armpits were getting wet and I knew that my shirt would have stains.

Thanksgiving 2 years ago

I lifted my arms up and asked my sister how bad it was. My mom said I needed to change and I started bawling. For whatever reason, this turn of events set me off. I shouted "I hate my body" and went upstairs. I threw the shirt on the ground and sat on my floor sobbing.  I have no idea what was happening with my parents and sister downstairs but I bet they didn't know how to react. I ripped through the rest of my clothing and hated all of it. I laid out a few things on my bed but didn't want to wear any of it. Again, I sat on the ground crying. 

My sister came into my room a little while later to chat about it. We didn't say much and she let me cry. She convinced me that it was the material of the shirt that was the problem, not my body. She was right but also wrong. Anybody wearing this particular shirt would have issues with sweat stains but my body has always been the issue.

I'll be honest, I'm not the best at taking care of myself. I don't exercise regularly and I've never eaten a vegetable. I don't munch on a shit ton of terrible food but I don't substitute much healthy things. Moving to warm weather has helped with being active because I love going outside and hiking. My various doctors say that I'm perfectly healthy and fine so it doesn't worry me too much. But like everyone, I can do better.

My body has always been a sore spot for me. I've written about it before but right now it seems more apparent. Growing up, I always had belly rolls while you could see all of my friends' ribs. I never wanted to be THAT skinny, it was more that I noticed that I couldn't see my ribs.

Now, luckily, I never compared myself to women or girls who were "prettier" than me. Comparing my looks to another women wasn't something that crossed my mind. What I did was get upset when I didn't fit into the things I wanted to wear. Or if it didn't work with my body type. This still upsets me. Bigger sized pants does not mean make them longer! Make the waistband bigger, please!

Throughout the pandemic, and a bit before, I felt like I was losing myself because I was trying to conform to what fits and looks natural. Of course I would still go to my thrift stores and vintage shops to find fun accessories, but for the most part I stuck to t-shirts, Old Navy leggings, and a flannel. The thing is, if I was out shopping and I found a floor length, floral dress with shoulder pads, I would buy it. How funky and fun?

The point of all this mumba jumba is that I haven't been feeling myself. I was talking to my BFFL Molly about how I've been feeling lost. Don't get me wrong I'm doing really well. I work on a cool TV show, I live in Los Angeles, I get to have a little sunshine on my face, but I need to get back to the Lindsey that I see in the pictures from my happy moments. So I used kool-aid to dye my hair red. It was totally impulsive but necessary.

When all my clothes were stolen, I looked at it as a chance to start new. I soon realized how much I hated shopping. But I think I hated it so much because I was looking for practical pieces instead of items that "spark joy". (thanks Marie Kondo) Why wear something that you just feel "alright" in when you can wear something that makes you feel confident and bangin'?!

I figured that moving to a new city and getting a new wardrobe meant that a new me was emerging. But I don't know if I want a new me. I want to dig into the archives and find the happy moments that the old me experienced and bring them up again. I want those moments and feelings to be this "new me" and create this life around them. 

I've been thinking a lot about how I haven't felt like myself in a while. Thank you Molly for lending an ear and letting me get it all out. I think that right now, we're all in a funk. Mine started a bit before the pandemic hit us but it got worse the past few months.

Thanksgiving brings me happy memories of playing Heads Up in the kitchen all day, the turkey cooking competition my parents used to do, my dad sitting in the backyard bundled up next to the deep fryer all day, and sharing a big meal with my favorite people. But its hard for me to forget the way I felt that day two years ago. The way I put on make-up, wiped my tears, and greeted my grandparents at the door 10 minutes after I finished crying. I don't want to feel that way ever again. 

This year, I am thankful for my friends and family. Without whom I quite literally wouldn't be who I am or where I am today. I'm thankful for the opportunities I've been given this year and the revelation that maybe it's not so bad to hang on to some of your old self.

I'm happy that my family will be joining me in California for our first West Coast Turkey Day. :)

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone! Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay fabulous.

Peace out mah dudes. :)