So...you're not going to camp this summer?

I've got things to say.

This is the first summer in 13 years that I will not be driving 6 hours to Kalkaska, Michigan and spending 3 months on Manistee Lake.

It's weird for me. Mostly because my mindset hasn't shifted to summer. The shift is usually very easy. Switching off school mode and moving into up north delight. Well this year I'm not playing basketball on the back boys court. I'm not running programs in the barn. I'm not canoeing across the lake. I'm not riding around at 1am with a walkie talkie. I'm not screaming cheers in the messhall at the top of my lungs. I'm not spending my days off on the lake with 12 other staff members. I'm not driving up and down the dirt road every night to dance with my friends at the Ole Soul. I'm not laying on the athletic field gazing up at the bright stars and listening to the wind roll over the leaves.

This summer is about me. Although I would love to be sitting on the beach of Traverse City and walking around the shops in Petoskey, sometimes things must change.

Last year I left camp abruptly. In the middle of the residential session I decided to transfer schools and go home to prepare for my new start. It happened so quick that I barely had time to process and say goodbye to people. I got text messages hours later from staff members saying that they've been so busy cleaning and moving luggage that they were just informed that I left. The people in charge weren't very thrilled with my lack of notice. But I went to camp that summer with every intention of going back to MSU in the fall so I didn't expect this either.

I was in tears saying goodbye to my friends and to my home away from home. I knew that that would be it for me. Maybe a few visits here and there but in terms of my camp career, it was over. I went to the owners office to give him a hug and say I'm sorry for starting a kerfuffle. He hugged me back and said, "I hope it's worth it".

Those 5 words circled in my head for the next 6 hours during my drive home. When I pulled up in Buffalo Grove, I immediately fell to tears in my moms arms. I was sad to leave camp and my friends, but I was also sad the way I left. It needed to happen. I needed to prepare for my new city life and education at art school. But it was sad.

"I hope it's worth it".

Oh it was.

I shouldn't have even been at camp last summer. I realized what I wanted was to be up north. What I wanted was to go on a hiking trip. Well I went up north in the middle of May and came back from hiking Pictured Rocks in the middle of July. I had done what I wanted to do. I had already been thinking about quitting during the middle of the sessions so leaving didn't feel too surprising to me. I was supposed to get sinus surgery and go to Israel. When both fell through, camp was the only option.

Leaving was worth it. I adequately prepared for the fall semester at a new school and now I am doing pretty well. Starting my first summer not at camp. Per my previous post, I am currently taking 2 classes, have a job, and an internship. Well I just scooped up another internship so I am a BUSY bee. Everything that I'm doing this summer has something to do with what I hope to be doing in the future. And I'm pretty stoked about it.

I find myself constantly thinking about Lori's mac and cheese, buddy tags, and squeaky bunk beds. I'm thinking about crazy creeks, all day programs, camper/counselor hunt. I'm thinking about Mini the Mermaid, the Cannibal King, 104, and OY VEY those Tanuga boys. I'm thinking about taps talks, silent walks, girls initiation, arguing with Geneva, and kids waking up to a spray painted t-shirt on their beds. I'm thinking about campfires, medallions, feathers, and dying my hair with kool-aid. I'm thinking about rainy days, Heavy Weights, Gaga in the barn, and the goat that ate three red shirts right off the line.

I'm thinking about memories, community, and traditions. What I think about the most is the people. The campers and the staff. Missing a whole summer of new staff is not sitting with me well. During my off summer in 2014 I went to visit and I felt so lost. There were so many new faces that were having the camp experience and I didn't get to witness it. It hurts the heart a bit.

But I'm glad I have something in my life that makes leaving it so tough. I'm glad I have something in my life where almost everything I see reminds me of a memory or a person.

In Tina Fey's book "Bossypants", she said that some of the best advice she's every gotten was to "write what you know".

I know Camp Tanuga. I know the good times, the bad times, and the people and experiences that have changed me forever. I intend on using them to create something that I'm proud of. Something that will put a smile on your face.

And...CUT

And just like that. The grades are in, the items are moved out, and the sun has been shining. That's a wrap on my junior year of college and first year at Columbia College Chicago. I also finished up my semester internship at a production company and it was a blast. I am pumped to move forward.

It has been a wild one and I thank all the brave souls who have been along for the ride with me.
So what's next? What am I doing here?

Well, loyal readers, I'm spending the summer in the city. I'm a bit nervous because I have never had a Chicago summer but I am excited nevertheless. I am taking two classes so that I'll be able to graduate on time. I cannot WAIT to be done with school. I am so over grades and being in class. I just want to jump into the world and succeed or fail without a letter mark.

I posted this picture on Instagram for the 20th anniversary of 10 Things I Hate About You and the WRITER commented on it and followed ME. WHAT A DREAMMM.

On top of the TWO classes, I also have a job AND an internship. I work as a hostess at iO Theater and I am thoroughly enjoying it. I wanted to be there more and be around improv so things are going great. Also, I need some cheddar cheese in my pockets. My internship is with the Chicago Comedy Film Festival.  I'm not 100% sure what it entails yet because I have my orientation on Monday but I believe I will be watching movies and rating them. WHAT A PAIN, RIGHT?!?! I'm really excited that I'm doing things that involve the comedy scene in Chicago and look forward to the work I do and the learning experiences.

I'll also be continuing my improv classes and hopefully picking up the writing class in the next term.

Essentially, I'm trying to keep busy. I'm trying to gain experience and knowledge so that when I leave the comfort of an academic institution, I feel ready to take on the next chapter.

I have a few other things on my list for this summer. The first is to walk around more and explore the city. I've lived right next to Chicago my entire life and feel like I haven't even scratched the surface of all its glory. My goal is to find fun (and hopefully free) things to do and explore! Additionally, I plan to write in my free time. I have a couple ideas in my brain that I want to get down on paper and write into sketches or even pilots. The more I write the better I'll be, but I can't get any better if the ideas stay circulating in my mind. I intend on write A LOT. Scripts, short stories, poems, etc...

I haven't worked at iO very long but when asking me about myself everyone asked if I "do comedy". I don't do comedy. I want to do comedy and I want to be comedic. I take improv classes and my goal is to do comedy professional but the answer is no. I don't "do it". Well maybe I should start. No one is funny right off the bat. It takes a bit to get used to it and find your rhythm. One of my coworkers told me I should just do it. That its never too early to start and you can start by just performing something in front of your friends and family. I've bee working on a stand up bit and it needs some tweaking but maybe I'll be able to perform it sometime this summer. YOU GOTTA START SOMEWHERE.

And you know, Lorne Michaels isn't gonna hire me if I don't produce content. Pete Davidson was hired when he was 19 so I like to keep that in the back of my mind.

Anyway, I'm also waiting to hear back from Semester In LA. The program where I can spend an entire semester studying in LA, next spring. Fingers crossed.

People keep asking me what I want to do and what my endgame is. Well, I want to make people laugh. In the future, the goal is to be writing  or producing a Sitcom or sketch show. But after graduation, I don't care what I'm doing as long as it has something to do with the entertainment industry and making people laugh. I'll work as a waitress, a barista, a whatever in order to make ends meet just as long as I can also be a PA or intern or ANYTHING that contributes to a program, performance, podcast, etc.., that puts a smile on someones face. Pay your dues.

That's it. That's the goal in life. That's what would make me happy. That's what I think I'm good at and that is all I want to do. It might seem silly. It's not very secure but I'm not a quitter and I'm not one to settle for something that isn't my dream.

I intend on accomplishing my goals and doing great things. I hope you'll all be along for the ride with me. It's all about who you know and what you can do. I know a lot of people, and I know I can do whatever I set my mind to.

I'm excited for this summer and for what the future holds.
jUsT gEt Me OuT oF sChOoL!!!


THANKS FOR READING MAH DUDES!!!
STAY GOLDEN :)


Go watch The Umbrella Academy on Netflix and LetterKenny on Hulu. BIG fan of these two.

ALSO WINE COUNTRY ON NETFLIX YOU GUYSSSS. Support female comedians and female directors!! It's also an EXCELLENT film!!

This is getting RIDICULOUS

Okay people, let me talk about my support system because I think there's a fluke. In case you are unaware of what has been going on, I transferred schools to study television. BUT not only that. I transferred schools to study television writing and producing, to live in Chicago and gain experience and knowledge to become a comedian. A COMEDIAN. Like someone who writes, produces and performs comedy to make people laugh...FOR A LIVING.

So, a normal and sane support system/family would find this bonkers. What did I expect? I expected my friends to be like okay cool good luck. We all know you like TV and want to make people laugh but like, what? You know, like practical people. I expected them to support me because I'm their friend but to role their eyes because a comedian (????) isn't practical. They would believe in me nonetheless but wouldn't be surprised if I end up in a cubicle, making my coworkers chuckle at the water cooler with a joke about how our boss' hair looks like he jumped out of an *NSYNC music video. 

TO MY SURPRISE, my friends actually believe I am funny! LIKE WHAT?!?! How do I know this? Because they think I can succeed and achieve my dreams. A friend of mine said they are waiting to see my name in the credits of SNL and even introduced me to someone by saying, "this is Lindsey, she's gonna be famous". Like holy shit people. It's a fluke! I'm telling you! Also, when I told my friends I was transferring schools, ALL of them told me I should do it because I won't get what I need at Michigan State. I kid you not, every single person (except one but that's okay because she just wanted me to stay close to her, selfish. Kidding ily) said I need to leave so I can gain the knowledge and experience to reach my goals. And to this day they ask me what's new and how things are going. They say things like, "I can't wait to see you on TV", and "Stop being funny I can't concentrate on my work". That last one is entirely true. Just ask my roommate. 

Also people I barely know have told me that they think that my dreams are 100% achievable. I gave a speech in my public speaking class the other day where I had to pretend I'm being interviewed for something. My audience? The writers room at SNL. I gave me speech and this girl who has sat next to me this entire semester said TO MY FACE, and IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS, "I would hire you. You have the personality and skills that show you're a great person to work with and that you know your stuff".  THEN, when I sat down she said to me, "you'll work for SNL one day. I'm positive". LIKE HOW DO YOU KNOW?? IT'S ONLY MY DREAM. But if I could *dazzle* one person with my personality then I can *dazzle* Lorne Michaels. Right?? AND THEN it happened again. Two days ago when I was visiting the MSU Hillel, I met a freshman and started talking to her. My friend said to her, "she's gonna be on SNL one day". THEN the girl says TO MY FACE, "Oh yeah I can see that". EXCUSE ME?!?!?! YOU CAN SEE THAT? Just by the 5 minute conversation we've had? This is the *dazzle* that I'm talking about friends. IT'S A FLUKE I TELL YOU.

But the real kicker is the support I get from my FAMILY. This is how I KNOW something is up. My family is WAY too supportive of me changing my life to become a comedian. There is NO WAY that an average, Jewish-American family would be this supportive of me wanting to do comedy FOR A LIVING. I mean shiiiiitttt. Everyone knew I wasn't gonna be a lawyer, a doctor, or an engineer. I wasn't gonna do something that really racked in the big bucks. That's not my style and I get bored easily. To tell my family that I wanted to not only work for television, BUT that I WANTED to ~struggle~ to become a comedian, I sounds insane. I was expecting my Nana to give me the look. Like, "Lindsey! I hope you know what you're doing". BUT NO. What did she do? She was EXCITED for me. She smiles every time we talk about my "new" life and even LAUGHS at my jokes. I know I should've given her more credit because I am the *favorite* grandchild (sorry Syd, Jon, and Matt. You know it's true) and I could do no wrong. But I guess I just expected the reactions to be like the movies. Oh you want to be a comedian? Well, good luck with that. It's hard. And all LIKE DO YOU WANT TO GIVE YOUR PAPA A HEART ATTACK?!?! Everything is fine though. The support is RIDICULOUS. A FLUKE.

Do't get me started on my parents and sister (they deserve a new paragraph). First of all, my sister tells all her friends about how funny I am and how I'm gonna do big things. It's a lot of fucking pressure man. BUT I LOVE IT. Because I am funny!!(??) I am gonna do big things!! I am going to let her stay in my guest house whenever she wants!!! Then there's my PARENTS. (Lainie and Bini, for the new fans) No parent wants their kid to become a comedian. Don't listen to what anyone tells you. This is how I know something is not right in the system: my parents not only support me becoming a comedian, but they encourage me and find every opportunity for me to gain more knowledge and skills. FLUKE. I wanted to sign up for improv classes at iO. (LEVEL 2 BABBAYYYY) Both of my parents are all for it and call me after class every week to ask how its going and if there are any other classes I wanted to take and that I should sign up for them ASAP. EVERY WEEK PEOPLE. I want to move to LA and (hopefully) work for late night TV and practice doing stand-up. What do they say? GO FOR IT. Go for it? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! My own parents! A FLUKE!!!

But here's the thing... I cannot thank the people in my life enough for the amount of love and support I get. Achieving your dreams is hard. Especially when your dreams seem impossible. But the amount of encouragement and determination I get from my friends and family is ridiculous. They seem to think I can actually do it. And you know what? I KNOW I can do it. I know that one day my whole family will join me on the red carpet for some event. I know that my friends will be there holding my hand during the countless rejections I'll receive. I know that my sister will bring all her friends to my stand-up debut. I know my parents will sell the house and move into my guest house even though they don't like California. I know that my best friend will be there to pick out my clothes for every important event because she has more style then I will ever have. Most importantly, I know that the people who believe in me will be the reasons that I one day live my dream. 

Because I know I can do it. And I KNOW that everyone in my life is along for the ride.

So, thank you.

P.S.

Currently OBSESSED with the musical SIX. It's coming to Chicago this summer and the soundtrack is amazing and I can't stop listening. Check it out.

Also, QUEEN Aidy Bryant just released a series on Hulu called Shrill. It's an amazing ode to big girls everywhere and everyone should watch it because it is such an important story about self-love and self worth.

Things and Stuff

How are things? Well things are going pretty well my dear friends. I'm starting to feel like I'm being prepared for the real world. As in, I am currently working on projects that will be created and that you, my fans, can see! How exciting?!?!

So what's the haps Lindsey?

Well.....

To begin, I am an improv student at iO theater in Chicago and I absolutely LOVE every second of it and I think I'm already getting better! I'm definitely learning a lot and the people in my class are so fun and supportive. Every week I look forward to this class and I get to see shows for free so that's a plus. I enjoy performing on stage and I think it's important in the field I'm trying to go into that I understand things from a performers perspective. That way I can write and produce effectively. So that's super fun and I cannot wait for Level 2!

I also have a production internship this semester. It's every Friday and so far so good! I've already been to two shoots. The employees are so nice and really want to teach me things. They take the time to tell me whats what when we're setting up equipment or editing footage. Last week I cleaned and organized one of the file cabinets so I'm really showing them my skills. It's very helpful and entertaining to experience how real production works and it's especially awesome when surrounded by great people!

BUT LINDSEY WHAT ABOUT YOUR CLASSES??

Hold on folks we're getting there!

First, I have recently met with an advisor in order to pick up a journalism minor. I took SO many classes at MSU and I wanted them to count for something. The journalism department was so nice and I only need to take ONE journalism class at Columbia in order to get the minor! I'm excited too because I think the class I'm gonna take is about writing critiques about the arts. So like plays, exhibits, performances, etc... That's super cool and not something I was able to do at Michigan State so I'm looking forward to it!

Alrighty, let's get to my classes.  We are taking 15 credits this semester. 3 of those credits are coming from my internship. I only have class Tuesdays and Wednesdays from 9am-3:20pm on both days.

OMG Lindsey you have so much extra time.
NEGATIVE.

Improv for 3 hours Monday
Class from 9am-3:20pm Tuesday
Class from 9am-3:20pm Wednesday
THURSDAY FREE
Internship from 9am- 5:30pm Friday
Saturday
Sunday

My friends the majority of the work in my classes is done outside of class. We learn things in class and have to do them outside of class. Things like paper work, shoots, and editing.

So no, I do not have SO much extra time. Especially when I try and get to bed by 11 every night so I can wake up earlier, eat, do my homework, any errands, clean the apartment (which needs to happen a lot), and still have time to just chill and watch Hulu. I'm actually stalling right now. I should be reading and if I was going by the schedule I have created for myself then I would be but I felt it was time for an update and i just answered a bunch of emails so this is my reward.

I have a class called The TV Producer. This is my hardest class this semester and takes up the majority of my time...and its only week 4. I love this class though. My instructor knows her stuff and I enjoy going to her class every week. Sure, I get anxiety about turning things in because the guidelines and requirements are so specific and if you forget anything then you get a 0 on it BUT, when I physically go to the class and learn I enjoy it. We are currently working on 2 things. The first is that we're learning to budget for a production. Numbers are not my thing but theres an application that does all the math for you. I'm having trouble deciding what to budget for. I don't know all the crew positions yet or what exactly goes into a production so I find that I am leaving things out. That's okay though because I'm still learning! The other project that we are working on are promotional videos for clubs at Columbia. We all had to give a pitch to the rest of the class and 3 pitches were voted on out of the 15.
And guess what my friends...YOUR GIRLS PITCH WAS CHOSEN. Yes ladies and gents, The TV Producer class will be making a promotional video for Columbia College Hillel. :) The first thing that one of my group members said to me when we all got together was "just so you know, I'm not Jewish." So this is going to be an amazing journey for all of us. I'm just happy that people felt I pitched it well enough to make and that I get to help Hillel! Lots of paperwork is being done and I'm drowning in it but its a goo drowning.

My next class begins 40 minutes after The Television Producer and I have to book it to the next building. I usually hang back a couple minutes to ask questions and end up sweating when I get to my next class.

This one is fun too! It's called Oral Expressions, which is just a fancy way of saying public speaking. The same day I pitched my Hillel video, I gave an informational speech in this class. What was I giving my informational speech about? I was informing my class about the many life lessons that we are taught from The Breakfast Club. And it was a HIT. I wore my TBC shirt and talked about different quotes from the movie. The instructor didn't even tell me anything work on because he was so impressed by the way I outlined the speech that he went on a tangent telling the class about how I took such a broad topic and made it into a 5 minute speech and yada, yada, yada. It was quite a confidence booster.

Fast forward to my Wednesdays, I have Production and Editing II and TV Arts: Writing.  Our work in P&E correlates to our work in Writing and since we haven't really written anything...we haven't done too much.  BUT today was another good day. Our first assignment is to adapt a story we were given and we chose whose out of the class that we're going to produce. I was chosen as the producer of my group and I'm actually very excited to be able to organize this piece. One of my good friends wrote and I think its going to be really good! BUT something else happened. The project after the adaptation is a web series. We had to pitch a 3-5 episode series to the rest of the class and vote on them. We picked 2 to produce. AND HELLO, my idea was chosen! We're making my web series! I'm really happy about it because I liked my idea. I would've been okay if we didn't do it but I gotta admit...I'm REALLY excited. :)

My homework this weekend is to do a few pages of the Hillel production binder and to complete the adaptation production binder. I also have book reading to do too. It might not seem like too much but being a producer is all about paying attention to detail and being organized. I feel I have things pretty under control and I have some time tomorrow and all day Saturday and Sunday to work on them. It's gonna take me a while but it's nothing I can't handle.

What else is up, Lindsey???

I'm going to East Lansing for part of my spring break and then flying to Texas to stay with the Sweet Sister Syd!! I'm so pumped to see my friends and then spend some quality time down south with my best friend. The weeks leading up to break are going to be hectic so I'm already looking forward to some time away.

Especially since your girl is gonna be living in the city this summer!! I have to take summer classes and am planning on having a job. I also hope to continue my improv classes. This will be the first summer in 13 years that I spend at home. It's weird to think about and it makes me feel a little uneasy but like I said before, nothing I can't handle.


I found a new playlist on spotify that I can't stop listening to. It's called It's ALT Good. Makes me happy and I'm listening to it now so it's on my mind.

OH. My friend Michala and I are currently in the EXTREMELY early stages of writing a play! We have some general ideas but still need to flush them out. But you know, Rome wasn't built in a day. ;)

Not much else going on. Just started the semester and I feel like I've been in these classes my entire life. It's February already which means we are almost to the end! Also, I turn 21 soon and I don't care. My birthday is on a Tuesday and I have class the next day so whatever. I also don't like to drink so it's just another year. I am excited that I can actually go to fun bars with my sister and friends. That'll be cool.

Okay cool cats, that's about it from me.  Some TV recommendations:

The Kids Are Alright
This show is on ABC and is hilarious. I never watch it live but I love every episode. There are so many characters that even for every 1 that you find annoying, you'll find 2 that you love. Highly recommend checking it out.

Inside Amy Schumer
I usually am not her biggest fan but I just binge watched this on Hulu and loved it. I love sketch shows and female comedians so this was a great combination for me.

The Masked Singer
I hate how much I enjoy this show. But wow I love it so much and wait for it to come on every week. And BTW, I was right with Tori spelling too, Dr. Ken.

Russian Doll
If you enjoy great television than this is for you. A Netflix original that is beautifully done and the plot keeps you on your toes. I don't want to say much else because you should really just watch it.

See ya on the flippity flop!!!

Talking Body- Tove Lo

DISCLAIMER! WE’RE GETTING VERY PERSONAL HERE SO IF YOU CAN'T READ ABOUT PUBERTY, SELF-LOATHING, OR BREASTS WITHOUT GETTING UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU MIGHT WANT TO JUMP TO THE END.

This post is gonna be two parts but they flow into each other.

I have always felt very insecure about my body. I was 100 pounds in 5^th grade, I started growing hair on my nether regions when I was 8. (yes 8) And I was always so much bigger than my friends. To be fair, I did have some tiny friends. But my size and development for my young age always seemed a little off to me.

For the past 20 years I have had a “fake it until you make it” attitude. Pretend you're confident, and you’ll soon believe it. And maybe, just maybe, other people would start to believe it too.

Well, I was 12 and getting my first bikini wax and buying a cupped tankini bathing suit for spring break when I realized I had to REALLY fake it. So I did the best I could.

Switching gears a little bit.

My body has always been an issue in regards to sexuality and romance. You can’t expect other people to like you if you don’t like yourself. My whole life I have been the best friend of the girls that every one finds attractive. And I’m okay with it. I’ve never experienced someone asking my friends about me. About what my “deal is”. It never really started to get to me until recently.

I had my first kiss at overnight camp when I was 10. When I say kiss I mean that me and this lucky boy ran behind the rock wall, puckered up and touched lips for a millisecond before I ran off like a little girl.

The first time I “made out”, or “hooked up” or “frenched” someone was when I was 15. It was also at camp. It’s true what they say, a lot of firsts happen at camp. Not all of them involve kissing though. It was after evening program and me and this, again, lucky boy (same one that I had my first kiss with, AWWW cute) threw our foldable chairs on the ground and walked deep into the woods surrounding “the make out trail”.
I am EXTREMELY confident that this night, and every night after that, what we were doing was not the correct technique. We both seemed okay with it but we were teenagers.

I was one of the last girls in my cabin to play tonsil tennis. (sorry about that I was just trying to use a different way to phrase it) When the bugle rang and I ran across the athletic field with my bra still on but unhooked, all 13 of my cabin mates were smushed in the corner by my bunk, waiting to hear every detail of my first base (?) experience. I took my new burst of confidence into sophomore year of high school. But that confidence was soon lost under baggy sweatshirts, homework stress, and whatever other self-loathing inhibitors life threw at me.

Since then not much has happened to me. The occasional butt and hip grab at frat parties. The little kisses that my friends and I used to give each other to say hello. The times I showed the entire female staff my boobs because I was proud of how symmetrical and perfectly shaped they were. Other than that, not much.

I can’t blame the lack of “action” all on the male species. I will take some of it. I am not confident in my body. I am more confident now than I was when I was 9. Or when I was 16. But I could still feel better about myself. I don’t feel comfortable putting myself out there because I don’t necessarily like what I would be putting out. Don’t get me wrong, I love myself. I am one of the coolest and most beautiful people I know. But you have those days, weeks, or months when you look in the mirror and all you want to do is throw your hair in a ponytail, wear your XXXL sweatshirt and eat a plate of nachos while watching 10 Things I Hate About You for the thousandth time. It’s your favorite movie but it makes you even angrier when you see how stick thin and hip Kat Stratford is and making a panty dropper like Heath Ledger fall in love with her?? I love it but I hate it. (I mostly love it)

I got my first real bra in 5^th grade. I got measured at Victoria’s Secret and got a pretty purple bra that clips in the front. I was happy that I was contained and maybe it wouldn’t be noticeable. My breasts stayed that size but my stomach started growing. I can’t tell you when I started to hit puberty and “thin out” because my body has always been the same as far as I’m concerned. Sure my neck elongated slightly but I can still bust out a mad triple chin if the situation demands it. If I wasn’t chubby before, I was now. I was big for my age. And I was about to go to middle school and get braces. Things were not looking up.

I had a friend in middle school that every boy wanted to get a piece of. That sounds terrible and if she’s reading this I don’t mean it in a slut way. I just mean it in a “you got male attention” way. She had hips, she had a slim waist, she was pretty, and she had fully developed boobs. She was one of my best friends and I spent every weekend with her and she would tell me about her new boyfriend and I would hangout with them. Super fun times right? Honestly things could’ve been worse. She still hung out with me and the rest of our friends. There just might have been an extra topic of discussion, or an extra person. Either way, things were okay for me. I didn’t feel like the chubby sidekick. I was still too delusional to care about the attention of boys. So things were okay.

It’s when I got older that my body confidence started to dwindle. High School.

No one was ever mean to me. No one had ever said, “I don’t want to go out with Lindsey.” Or “I don’t want to kiss Lindsey”. It’s just nobody thought about it. As far as I know. I tried not to think about it. I still try not to think about it. I would go with guy friends to dances so there was no pressure. I would sit and listen to all my friends’ boy issues, envious of their confidence.

I decided to tell myself that I was fine with the way things were. I convinced myself that I was okay with hearing the stories and watching my friends buy cuter, more slimming clothing. Everything was fine. I was fine with myself, and being by myself. I didn’t need it.

I still tell myself that. I don’t need it. Which is partially true. What I need is more body confidence. I think we all do but mine is very necessary in order for my happiness to flourish. What I need is to put myself out there. What I actually need is more male attention. It seems silly. I seems REALLY silly when I write it out. But I truly believe it. I get red and flustered whenever I think a boy is cute. I had a crush on my TA the entire first semester. Everyone in my class knew and would push me to go talk to him but I refused. Because I am still a 15 year old girl who is convinced that I’m fine. That I don’t need to talk to this boy because I don’t need him to “like like” me. And anyway, he probably never will.

I have said for years that I don’t see marriage in my future. It’s not on my list of goals or things I want to do. I want to be successful in other departments but if a dashing young man happens to turn up on my way to my dreams, so be it. There are a lot of times I don’t see the point of getting more body confident or putting myself out there because of that reason alone. I’m fine right here.

But this is what I’m saying. I’ve brainwashed myself to act like I’m fine. I’ve convinced myself that the slightest form of interest from someone or the littlest bit of intimacy makes me weaker. I don’t need this, I’m fine just the way I am.

Well people of the internet, things are not fine. Things have not been fine since it was pointed out to everyone in the day camp bathroom that my body was developing when I was 8. Things have not been fine since I was 15 and was scared this boy would get bored with me after a couple days of “hooking up” so I faked being sick for the rest of the summer. Things have not been okay since I developed an aversion to being touched in any way. Hugging and kissing my family is sometimes physically and mentally hard for me because I convinced myself so well that I didn’t need any type of affection of any kind. That somehow a hug would make me weaker. That I would be sharing too much of myself.

Writing this post has helped a lot. It’s 12:36am on Saturday December 29^th. Mom gave me some sleeping pills that didn’t work. (shocker) I started writing this in my head and needed to get it down immediately. Life is tough and you have to be with yourself through the whole thing. You might as well try and love your body to the fullest. And then let people in and love you too. It’s easier said than done. Obviously, I am a living, breathing, hypocrite of that statement. But I feel better after putting things into words.

Why would I share this on the internet? It’s very personal. Do you want attention?

1) Why the fuck not?

2) Yeah its personal. I’m a real human being with emotions and thoughts and things to say

3) AND YEAH I WANT ATTENTION. DIDN’T YOU READ THE POST. I may not know what to do with it or what to say or even acknowledge it at all but as people we CRAVE attention and I have gone far too long pretending like I’m too good for it.

Well mah dudes. I hope you related to, enjoyed, or are shocked at the things I put in this post. If so, then I must be a great writer if I provoked any kind of strong emotion from you. Hope you have a great break and that you all love yourselves and demand attention from the people around you.

PEACE.

TV PICKS OF THE POST:

Derry Girls-Netflix

ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. Very raunchy so if that's not your cup of tea then pass on it but WOW. Can't wait for the second season.

T@gged- Hulu

The best worst show I've watched in a while. It's so bad that it's good and the episodes fly by. 

Ellen: Relatable- Netflix

Always a crowd pleaser. Her return to stand-up was amazing and her stories and heart complete the special.

Springsteen on Broadway- Netflix

Talk about amazing. He's a story teller and it is refreshing to see him do what he does best. Plus, two hour long shows, 5 nights a week, for 14 weeks. Doing the same thing night after night with just him, a piano, and his guitar. That's why he's The Boss.

I'm trying to minimize my Netflix list so I'll keep you updated. 

Talking Body- Tove Lo

What are you still doing here? The post is over! Go Home!

(Ferris Bueller’s Day Off reference for the real fans)

And...Scene

WE OUT.

Done (almost! two more days!) with the semester and I am ecstatic! I loved my classes and learned a lot but now it's time for new classes and more learning. Yippee! No seriously I love to learn and I'm learning cool things so the excitement is real. This semester I took some intro level TV courses and I will finish them up next semester along with some other courses that I am so pumped for that I want them to start already. 

But first, it is time for a break. A well deserved break. In case you know nothing about my life or are not one of my millions of internet fans, its been quite a year. It'll be nice to relax and put it behind me, and look into the future of 2019. So much anxiety and unhappiness filled 2018, (there was also happiness and smiles, it wasn't all bad) I'm glad I'm ending on a good note. And an optimistic note too.

I think about where I was a year ago and how unsure I was of how I was going to achieve my dreams. Every day I would tell my friends that I wanted to work for television, and make people laugh. But I was writing stories on education and learning about AP style. Honestly I commend my classmates that they're still sticking to it. I used to cry on the phone to my mom about it and she used to say "I think you should transfer" and I'd be like nahhhhh I can't. And then my sorority sisters would walk in the house or my best friend Noa would walk in my room and we would go get Tropical Smoothie or Mexican food. BUT over the summer I applied to transfer, just to see. I got in, I thought about it. All my friends, including all of my campers, told me I'd be crazy not to go. I quit and left camp, got ready for school, started classes and here I am 15 weeks later just a step closer to DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO.

Honestly it's a great feeling. I cried myself to sleep the other night thinking about it. I texted my sister that night and thanked her for helping with pushing me in the right direction and believing in me. Because now, I am confident that I'll be working in entertainment. This semester I have gained the knowledge and skills to get my foot in the door and I will only enhance my skills as I move toward graduation and get more experience. It's exhilarating thinking about how at some point in the future I will be doing what I have always wanted to do; make people laugh. And when that moment comes, I'll know. And every one around me will know because I will be weeping like a baby and clutching my chest saying "THIS IS IT. IT'S HAPPENING. GIVE ME SOME ROOM." COOL RIGHT?!?! Yay art school!

Quick shoutout to my senior year film teacher Mrs. Merola. The last day of class I waited for the rest of the class to leave and asked her to sign my yearbook. She looked me in the eye and asked me if I picked something to study in college and I said no. She told me I might want to consider something in film because I have a really good eye for things. I also want to add that every one in my class though this course would be an easy A and I was the only one that was actually interested in the topics so I was the only one who ever talked BUT she told me I WAS GOOD AT IT. Whatever that means. This stuck with me though. It had been at the back of my head my two years at Michigan State and I think about it whenever I'm doing assignments. I tell myself to look deeper into things. Why are things presented the way they are?

This has helped with my interest in the production side of things and I'm taking a couple production classes next semester. Thanks Mrs. Merola for the help. :)

I also get to write next semester!!!! My intro level TV Writing class starts in January and to say I'm excited is a GIGANTIC understatement. This is what I have been waiting for. This is why I transferred. To write and learn and learn to write and write some more. Can this semester be over already so I can get started?? I mean c'mon let's go people.

That's about it from me right now. I have my last 3 days of this semester and then my dad and I are going to the Schweddy Ball at the museum of broadcasting downtown. THAT will be a whole other thing and I don't know what to expect so I have nothing to say.

Anyway, thanks for tuning into @lindseyrosebini!! Follow @lindseyrosebini on instagram and twitter for daily(ish) fun from ME, Lindsey Rose Rabinowitz.

Until next time, have a happy holiday, stay safe, stay golden, and see ya next time mah dudes. :)

Take Camera 1

Hello internet world! I am currently sitting on my couch watching Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed with my roomie Tatiana.

Since the last time you read my adventures, a lot of things have happened.

I went to Austin to visit my Sweet Sister Syd at the beginning of October and it was awesome! We went to a music festival but the awesome part was that I got to spend the whole weekend with my best friend! I can't wait for her to come home for Thanksgiving so I can beat her in Mario Party 4 and make mom confused with our inside jokes. Ya know, typical sister stuff.

I spent two out of the four October weekends in East Lansing. I'm glad I did though because I got to see my friends and it made me realize that I don't miss it. The first weekend was the Michigan v. Michigan State football game and that was fun because my friends from both schools were there and...Sydney!! Exciting. I was able to tailgate and chill out just like old times. It was a nice change of pace from my new life in Chicago.

The weekend after I went back to MSU for my sorority's date party. My BFF Michala took me as her date and we had fun dressing up in her moms 80s ski sweaters and jamming out to broadway tunes. It's like I had never left.

But I did leave. The next morning I went back to Chicago and everything was great. I spent some time at home and then went back to the city.

Since then I have been laying low. Trying to relax before the end of the semester and before I get my inevitable sinus infection. I already started all my final papers and projects though so that's exciting. I don't have too many final exams so I can work hard on my papers and projects to maintain my grades.

That's the plan this and next weekend. Get as much done as possible so I don't have to spend Thanksgiving working on things.

Next week in my studio class I'm getting interviewed about a project I did. My video was chosen to be a package in our filmed show and the segment is going to be on Columbia's television channel. So that's exciting! I really enjoy working the cameras in that class. But I LOVE being the floor director. Relaying cues from the director to the talent, counting down the broadcast and giving signals to break. It's so much fun!

I registered for my second semester classes and I am SO excited to begin writing! Learning to write for TV is the main reason I came to this school so I am super pumped to get started.

Next semester I plan to get more involved with the city and comedy scene. Gotta make some new friends first to explore with though! Baby steps.

Ciao for now my people!
Hope everyone takes time to learn the history of Thanksgiving before they feast on a bird. Don't watch Squanto though because it will give you nightmares.
Also, the City of Chicago has started decorating for the holiday season and I am thrilled to announce that I will  not be taking part in it. (Check out my blogpost from last year if you want an explanation)

Well see ya later mah dudes!!!